My High-Achieving Baby's Daily Schedule

He cries a lot but he is so productive

I have over-achieving children. My first baby walked at 9 months. My second baby could ride a bike at 6 months. Everyone knows that this has everything to do with my superior parenting and nothing to do with genetics or absolute fabrication.

My third baby though. He is truly a go-getter. How lucky am I that he can crawl at a rate of approximately 10 mph and get all the way from the kitchen to the toilet in 2 seconds? He just took his first steps because he is not wasting any time lounging around, sitting still like other babies his age. Please. What kind of mother wants her baby to sit still when he could be reorganizing the kitchen cabinets?

He knows life is short and he’s not going to waste it lying still for a diaper change when he could be throwing all the diapers and wipes on the ground and smearing poop across the changing table.

Honestly, I’m learning a lot from his lifestyle choices. Mostly, I’m learning never to sit down and that is truly rewarding.

Because I want to make a positive impact with this Substack, I decided to share his daily schedule here completely free of charge! If you find this list inspiring, consider becoming a paid subscriber for full access to my ten-month-old’s truly transformative productivity hacks.¹

If you have a slacker baby, feel free to show them this list to inspire them to take action and regain control over your life.

My Over-Achieving Baby’s Daily Schedule

• Wake up at 4:30 am and cry until Dada comes in. Continue crying if he attempts to rock you back to sleep. Make sure Dada carries you to Mama to fully take advantage of the fact that you are the one in control, not Dada.

• Nurse until your tummy is about to burst. This is where you get most of your nutrition for the day because you will be too busy to nurse for more than 4 seconds at a time once daylight arrives.

  • (Pro-tip: Some nights it’s a good idea to wake up twice or up to five times. You can nurse off and on and generally exhaust your parents so they are more susceptible to your whims throughout the day)

• Maybe go back to sleep for a couple hours, maybe don’t. Either way, Mama will be exhausted because you’ve completely ruined her circadian rhythm for life.

• As soon as you are up for the day, dump all your toys across the living room. You can play with them for up to 5 seconds but then you should cry and demand to be held.

• Eat a healthy breakfast. This means you should refuse most food until you are offered a banana. Ingest the entire banana as if you have never eaten anything in your life. This not only ensures constipation later in the day but also guarantees that Mama will offer you blueberries to try to keep your digestive system in equilibrium.

  • (Pro tip: Never allow an equilibrium to be reached. You should either be pooping all day or going long stretches with no poop to really freak Mama out. A freaked out Mama is an evolutionary advantage.)

• When you are done with breakfast, or any meal, immediately begin to fling food from your high chair. If Mama offers you something else, pretend to be extremely interested and focused, utilizing your newly achieved pincer grasp to impress her. Then fling the food behind you. DO NOT BREAK EYE CONTACT WITH MAMA. She needs to know who is really in control.

• When Mama finally takes you out of your high chair (make sure to scream as she wipes your face), eat all the food you flung on the ground before she can clean it up.

• Go for a walk. Do not let Mama pause at any point during the walk. If she does, cry as though your brain is melting.

• Take a nap. Make sure you vary the length of these daily. Some days, you should nap more than two hours. Other days, cap it right at 30 minutes. This way, Mama can never feel settled or be assured of productivity. Always prioritize your own productivity over Mama’s.

• Get dressed. This is your high-intensity training for the day so don’t skimp on thrashing, twisting, rolling, screaming, and generally making Mama feel like she is competing in an MMA competition.

• Eat lunch. This meal should consist mainly of cheese (see above pro tip about constipation).

• Play with your big brother. Demolish his carefully constructed Magnatile tower. Drool all over his Paw Patrol cars. Crawl on top of him. Generally prevent him or Mama from having two seconds of peace.

• Go outside. Immediately become covered with dirt (this will ensure an additional outfit change). Optimize your messiness by eating as much mud and as many leaves as possible before Mama can stop you.

• Take another nap. Make sure the timing conflicts with your biggest brother’s school pick-up time.

• Spend the rest of the day alternating between chaos and clinginess. Empty the Tupperware cabinet (bonus points if Mama forgot there was something breakable inside). Put anything you can find in your mouth. Cry the hardest when Mama removes the choking hazards. Don’t let Mama put you down for more than two minutes at a time. If she leaves the room, cry as though you are an orphan.

  • (Pro-tip: When Mama is holding you, do that thing with your body where you are as stiff as a plank of wood so she thinks you want to be put down. As soon as she puts you down, cry in the most pathetic way imaginable. )

• Eat dinner (see above about breakfast and lunch). It’s especially efficacious if you scream while your big brothers cry about not wanting to eat THAT.

• Take a bath. Never sit down so Mama has to constantly worry about you slipping and bumping your head. Leave the bathroom looking like a tsunami hit it.

• Go to bed. Some nights, you can make this almost painless. Other nights, you should fight it for as long as possible, ensuring Mama and Dada have to come back in at least three or four times. Always keep your parents on their toes so they never have more than two minutes to sit down and relax. Prevent sitting whenever possible.

That’s it! Gosh, I’m so proud of him. I may have missed a few points because, again, his productivity levels are just off the charts.

Thanks for reading! I hope this helps all the lazy babies start achieving their full potential.

PS. If it’s not entirely obvious, this is satire, though my baby really does do most of the things on this list. Lucky me.

PPS. While my goal is to continue publishing free content (satirical and otherwise), your paid subscription helps support this Substack and earns my eternal gratitude. You can also buy me a cup of tea to fuel the inspiration <3

1. Like most of this post, this is a joke. But you can still become a paid subscriber to support the writing I accomplish while my baby (sometimes) naps.