I Stopped Apologizing and it Made My Marriage Better
Replacing guilt with gratitude
Maybe it was an Instagram post or a passage from a book. I can’t remember where I read it; I only know I can’t take full credit for the idea. But some time in our early marriage, I stumbled upon a piece of advice that changed my marriage for the better.
This was the essence of it: stop apologizing to your spouse when what you really mean is “thank you.”
Think about the following phrases, ones I often found myself saying to my husband in our first years of marriage:
“I’m sorry I’ve been so emotional lately. I guess I’m just hormonal.”
“I’m sorry the apartment is a mess. I haven’t had a chance to clean.”
“I’m sorry I couldn’t get up with the baby this morning. I slept terribly.”
Usually, Joseph would respond to these with some version of, “It’s okay. It’s not a big deal.”
There was nothing objectively wrong with these conversations. But I often came away still feeling down about myself. When I later asked Joseph about these conversations, he said he also felt inadequate, as though he couldn’t actually help me feel better.
When I read the advice to replace apologies with gratitude, it changed my outlook completely and brought greater joy into our marriage.
Listen to how these phrases have a very different ring than the previous ones:
“Thank you for being so understanding lately. It really helps me feel accepted when I don’t feel great.”
“Thank you for doing all the dishes. It helps me feel like we’re a team.”
“Thank you for getting up with the baby. I know you were really tired too.”
By replacing the apology with a thank you, I’m not only able to recognize Joseph’s efforts, but I also put more focus on our relationship, not just myself. Rather than emphasizing my perceived failures, I’m validating my own human needs and showing gratitude for the ways in which Joseph accepts and loves me.
Obviously, I still say I’m sorry when I make a real mistake. But I try very hard, now, not to apologize when I haven’t done anything wrong. This mentality has carried through into other relationships and other aspects of my life; I don’t need to take blame for things outside my control and I don’t need to apologize for asserting my own needs. I even find myself reminding friends not to apologize when there is no need.
I’m not sure where this tendency to over-apologize came from, but it does seem to be a cultural one, perhaps especially for women. Did we learn, somewhere along the line, that we don’t deserve to ask for things? That apologizing eases the guilt of not being perfect in a society that demands female perfection?
I know that when I said I was sorry to Joseph over small things or things that weren’t my fault, I was really seeking his validation: I wanted him to tell me I wasn’t doing anything wrong. And while he always did so, I needed to let go of my guilt in my own words—and accept that receiving help is a good thing, a human thing, a fundamental part of any relationship.
Ultimately, I’ve realized that expressing gratitude is actually more selfless than apologizing in these moments. Rather than asking for forgiveness I don’t need, I’m recognizing Joseph for being a supportive partner.
As we’ve had more children and taken on new challenges in life, we’ve seen how valuable gratitude is for our relationship. We both try to thank each other for simple things, for chores or actions that are easy to take for granted. The best part is, thankfulness really does beget thankfulness. I always notice more strain in our relationship when we aren’t saying “thank you” as often and more connection when we are.
The next time you find yourself apologizing, pause and take note: do you really just mean thank you?
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Wonderful post, and my first one to read at The Distracted Writer!
Love this, thanks Alexa!