Creating Even When You Can't

The Power of Conscious Creating

I’m almost three months postpartum and finding something of a routine as we adjust to life as a family of five. That sounds pretty boring as I write it, and sometimes it is pretty boring but mostly it’s exhausting and overwhelming and I spend a lot of time trying to figure out what that new stain on my shirt is. But really, when I think about it, when I let myself, I can admit that life is okay. It’s more than okay—it’s everything a younger me wanted without really knowing what she was wishing for. What I’m trying to say is, life with little ones—or maybe all of life—is a paradox of beauty and struggle and it feels morally insensitive not to recognize this paradox at all times. There’s a part of me that is thrilled and so in love and so content and there’s a part of me that is scared and so touched out and wishing I could be doing more with my life right now.

Baby has been smiling more, which in itself creates a lot of joy.

I’m not sure if there is an anecdote to this paradox. I’m not sure if there is such a thing as “balance” when it comes to motherhood and writing and existence in general. But there is one thing I’ve found vital to my sanity. At first, I was calling it self-care but I’ve realized it’s more specific. It’s creativity.

When I can create, I find the most peace, the most joy. There is something about the process of taking raw materials and turning them into something whole, about ordering the chaos, that is intrinsically fulfilling.

Sometimes, I know, I run the risk of putting too much emphasis on my own productivity. I think if I can complete a long list of tasks, I can prove my own worth. I do it even with my writing, believing certain accomplishments and publishing credentials will bring me fulfillment. While there is nothing wrong with finding joy in achievements, I’m learning to let go of the pressure for exterior validation.

Creativity is different from productivity because the act of creation can be an end in itself. The process, and not merely the end product, are what bring joy. In its truest sense, it is the cohesion of leisure and work, those two elements that bring fulfillment to human existence.

But it’s hard, with a newborn, to find time for creativity. Motherhood is, by its definition, a creative role, its creativity literally life-giving, life-sustaining. My children are my little co-creations, their existence a beautiful reminder of what I as a woman am capable of. And while loving them and raising them is incredibly fulfilling, they cannot fulfill me completely anymore than I can fulfill all their needs completely. In other words, my role as a mother is only one aspect of my creativity as a woman, a human. It is good to seek out other avenues of creativity even when it is difficult to do so.

If you, like me, find joy and fulfillment in creativity (and I believe you must, if you are human), I want to share a list of my recent creative endeavors. Not to brag, not to toll them into something that gives me a false sense of worth, but rather to illustrate the little and big ways that creativity can manifest itself. I believe when we are conscious of our creativity it has even more potential to be life-giving, in the same way that free time takes on greater potential when we are intentional with it.

The giant play structure at a park where I "created" space for my kids to play; homemade banana bread and peach cobbler; pasta with homemade pesto with basil from my garden; the baby's new nursery accent wall; a fresh loaf of sourdough

A List of Things I’ve Been Creating

Cute photos of my children, when I can wrestle and/or reason them into cute outfits

Sourdough bread

A new short story about a mom who needs space and then something strange happens

Space for my children to run out their energy, at parks and pools and playdates

Intentional time with Joseph

Peach cobblers

Banana bread

A renovated nursery (with Joseph’s help)

New plans for this substack (coming soon)

Yummy mocktails with mint and lavender from my garden

A relationship with this new little baby

Time for friends, even if it’s just a text or a plan to meet up

Dinners that my kids sometimes eat

As you can see, I’m defining “creation” broadly. Writing all this out, I also can see that a great deal of the joy in these things is that they are shared with others or can be shared. What’s more, I’ve found that giving myself the permission to be creative, even in small ways, makes me a better mother, a better wife, and a better person.

Human beings are not just creative beings but also beings who long for community, and if I wanted to be philosophical or spiritual I could say these are two vital aspects that allow us to reflect God, the ultimate Creator, the ultimate Community, and it is in this reflection that we might find an answer to the paradox of human joy and human suffering. But it’s time to make dinner and share in the mess my kids created while I wrote this.

What are you creating today?